Clearing the energy and catching up to now has been an incredible journey. And I cannot believe I am saying this, but… wow… I think I have caught up to now.
Finally… I am here now. Looking at and loving me now…
Then feels so far in the distant past that I am not even sure if i would recognize me if I smacked into then me today.
So many of us shroud ourselves in insecurity. We all have at some point or another… Cloaked in this rough and gritty shroud of perfectly justifiable insecurity, we have been trained and domesticated to eat the poison apple… Snow White ran from that reflection, and found the 7 Dwarves. She was cared for, and her new perspective became the archetypes of each of those dwarves, grumpy, sad, needy, lonely, funny, joyous, dopey… and in the end.. It was her reflection on the kiss of prince charming which gave her her happily ever after. She had so many choices in these external mirrors, and she chose that of the handsome man rather than her own true reflection, from center.
And we were trained just so; to look out for a reflection that fits, and well… we are pretty much hell bent on regurgitating what we believe- even if much of what we believe we see is not what we wish was so, and regurgitation multiplies. Focus is power, even when we are not aware of that power. It is what shapes our ever changing now. Practiced focus is the most powerful. As we rev up our engines and barrel down the runway, it is most important to see the destination, be clear about it, and, if after careful assessment, we see that it really is a desired destination, take off. The bricks are far easier to remove from the runway… before we start the engines.
As we are domesticated, we come to some pretty clear decisions about who we are, and we relate from those places, beginning early on. And unless we are pretty fortunate, we are often sent out onto runways we didn’t even want to be on, much less given the time or opportunity to clear them from our own centered place of knowing.
I left a lot of my baggage in high school, and am just now picking it up. Thanks to facebook, and parenting a ten year old, I have had the opportunity to take some stock. The environment that we were in at the time of figuring out who the heck we were, was not a healthy one to do so in… We were all a mess.
If I justify me against you, as you justify you against me who is floundering, and I don’t notice you are floundering, then we are in a pretty tight pickle aren’t we?
As I look at me from center, it’s clear that I am not ever going to measure down to who I think you want me to be so that you can be you. And please do not use me as your gauge… I will probably never know who you are… really. And I may never know how beautiful you are if you don’t know it. Somebody better know it. I think I’ll try.
Which brings me to the question, how could you ever reflect to me my beauty, inner or outer, if i don’t know it?
You can’t… or… maybe you can, but I can’t see it if I am not looking through the right lens.
A meditation I have been doing brought this light so clearly that I laughed out loud for a long time, then cried, and then just watched as my mind came back together after being blown….
While pondering this theme, I put the “less than/inferior vision of me in one hand… and the regal, “better with age” vision of me in the other, and rested in each energy for a little bit.
Then… Smacked my hands together.
The smack was so loud in the room, and the truth was so beautifully clear…. What I held in each hand….. was bullshit. There was really no truth to either one!
IT’S ALL BULLSHIT…
And that landed me smack dab in the center of the most beautiful understanding I have ever happened upon in my spiritual journey…
THERE IS NO SOUND JUSTIFICATION FOR ANY INSECURITY.
It is really that simple.
I can try and go back and look through someone else’s eyes, I can try justify my pain against my friends, my lover, my family, society, my conditions, my domestication, but it is all really empty, and there is no substance to any of those mirrors.
Does that make sense?
Suddenly, having based most of my insecurities on what I learned in school, it is all a big joke!
I have been laughing for a good solid week, at the freshness of being able to walk through my life without the uncomfortable monkey on my back named insecurity. None, not “how did that person take what I said, how do I look? why didn’t that person say hi in the street, am I pretty enough, and I solid enough, does he love me, does she like me, will I find a parking spot when I get there?”
None of it.
And let me tell you, it is pretty freeing and a little strange. A warm, fuzzy wonderfully delicious kind of strange!
I have been called to look back lately, at my life, and how I have lived it, my decisions and how clear the runway has been… It’s pretty clear now, bricks aside, I am ready for flight.