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Step by step… Slowly I turn toward more and more clarity- and it feels pretty intense as I go.
I have been putting the pieces together to a puzzle that some have described as a more complicated dynamic than they have ever seen.
My family.

Wow, family. For some (many… most?) that means the nuclear family that they were raised in from birth; The blood family that has traveled with them for generations. A genetic pool of people who “didn’t chose” to ride the same bus, but somehow ended up on it together, for a long bumpy ride. Complete with pit-stops, and no doubt, plenty of breakdowns.

(Woah, I didn’t plan for the bus analogy, but I am gonna take the ride now that I am here)

Now, the ride is going to be bumpy regardless, but some buses have all the amenities; they’ve been serviced, and the interiors detailed, there are people paying attention to tending the bus, securing a good ride. In this instance, the ride may be rather smooth, for the most part, barring unforeseen hindrances.
I don’t know many families on a bus like that, but the ones that are, provide plenty of inspiration for me.

And then there are the buses which were built shoddily in the first place, and with little to no maintenance, all of the passengers on it are in for a rough ride to their destination. (That’s most of us)

Well, take a family that begins splintered, add some regret, jealously, want, rejection, fear, hope, love, confusion, many mistakes and a lotta guilt… You can say that the original construction had some foibles to say the least…
Then… throw a shit-load of demanding passengers on, each with their own itinerary, put a driver in the seat with no license and cut the cord to Dispatch.

Shit is gonna git real yo.

But only if you are in for that kind of a ride. I know I was in for the ride, or I never would have gotten on the bus. I can say I didn’t sign up for this, but I did, whether I knew the ride would be so bumpy or not. At this point, I’m on the bus, I must have gotten on somewhere! Many of my family members sit looking out the window, while others scream at the driver for everything and anything they can complain about.

I have tried at times to co-pilot the thing, but the driver doesn’t want any help. And we can’t hear eachother over the din anyway.

At some point or another… A few of us realized that it was time to get off the bus. Pulled the cord and took the next stop.
Left our numbers with a few of the passengers, sure to look us up when they get off, while others will always be on that bus, almost afraid to get off, fully aware that it’s on a road to nowhere.

Took me a while to hop off, so i get it. I hopped on a boat… Decided to float for a while.

In the jungle, the mama lion protects her young until they are ready to go off on their own and take care. And then they separate and live their own lives. Here in the concrete jungle many parents provide nothing and no tools for the journey and boot their young out long before they are “ready.” Many grow up feeling un-nurtured and cast out. On the one had it only makes sense that so many are still looking for recognition from one parent or another, and yet. We as adults have the opportunity to give to ourselves the family we need, the nurturing, the protection… to choose and create the family we envision. And let em all off the hook. I am currently pimping the yacht.

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